I have too many words in my head to not write right now.
And I’m really exhausted so this might be way too much information.
Who was I before my little nugget was here?
I was ok.
I lived for me, that’s for sure. I definitely thought I knew where my life was going. Most of the time. Sometimes I made ridiculous decisions, hurt people, hurt myself, helped people, helped myself – I spent a lot of time wondering when the hell my pre-frontal cortex was going to kick in and clean up the messes i often made.
I had a lot of loss in my life. When I lost my dad, and then my best friend passed away exactly one month later, I think I started a whole new journey that I didn’t realize I was on. I was searching for a puzzle piece, believing that God was filling the void I had, but living desperately clinging to whoever would extend a kind hand. And then literally wiggling myself out of every tight space I forced them into leaving them there because somewhere in my heart I guess I figured if I left first it would hurt less.
And I even clung to Darrel when I met him. Thank God for that though. The past two years with him (I know it seems like longer right) have been the biggest learning experience of my life. Learning what love actually is. Learning how to trust. Learning how to let go of his hand knowing he’ll still be right next to me. Learning how to care for someone when they are sick- and learning to accept someone’s care when I need it. Learning how to not hurt someone and not accept someone hurting me. (But also learning how to forgive and ask for forgiveness when I inevitably mess up). Learning boundaries and also how to connect.
And I know he’s learned the same things.
We were very different people when we first fell in love. And this journey with him is incredible. Hear me when I say – I LOVE loving him. I love knowing that we have been through WAY too much – and we still look each other in the eyes and say “I choose you, yesterday, today, and always.” And I love knowing that he’s not in a tight space that I forced him in to. Some days I forget to even talk to him all day. (Shocker I KNOW). And he’s busy at work – and suddenly it’s 10 pm and we see each other and can genuinely say, “I missed you today.”
I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I never let anyone or myself have that freedom before.
We have taught each other so much.
And when we found out about Hunter we were scared. I think a lot of people had little faith, and a lot of hope. I know I did.
I remember one night when I was pregnant, I went to my mom and I cried.
“Mom there’s going to be another human who literally depends on me for everything. I can’t even depend on myself for everything.”
It was the middle of the night, so she groggily replied,
“You’re going to do it. Bottom line. You just will. And the first time he kisses you on the cheek, you’ll pause, and know why you’re doing it.”
Ugh. You guys. She was right. (Obviously, because she’s super mom and is actually always right but don’t tell her).
I had no idea this is what it would be like though. I had no idea that every single night I would sleep with my head at the foot of the bed because it’s closer to his crib.
I had no idea that I would be frequently using the sentence “hold on I’m just getting your booger’s…they’re so close just sit still.”
I had no idea that I would be quitting my job because he needed me.
I had no idea that I would go shopping and literally not once look at the women’s clothing section or make up aisle. I have zero interest in anything for me. If I have a gift card or coupon, someone’s getting a teether or some diapers. And it ain’t me.
I had no idea what it was like to care this deeply for someone. And to genuinely want to do the right things in life because HE deserves it. I know, I deserve it too- but other than Gods creation, my greatest identity is Hunters mom.
And I’m not desperately seeking someone to suffocate. I’m just living each day with my true puzzle piece and his daddy.
Sometimes I feel inadequate. And I realized that’s not based on how I actually feel about myself. That’s based on how I feel about Hunter. Of course I feel inadequate. Because he deserves absolutely everything and who can do everything?
So I pray each night that God fills in my gaps. With Him, I am adequate. With Him, I am everything this perfect baby deserves.
I hope you read this and think to yourself too, that with Him, you are adequate. Because you are. Let Him fill in your gaps.
Trust me, he’s pretty good at it.
And Hunter grabs my face and licks it all the time. I count those as kisses. And yes mom, I get why I do this. And why I will always, always do this.